She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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