my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
