Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
