i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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