Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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