I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
