Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
