I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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