a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
