wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
That's how pantless uber rides happen
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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