so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
