Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
