she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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