i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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