a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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