She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
