You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
