I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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