His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
