Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
