You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
