Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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