the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
