i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
