Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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