Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
