How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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