She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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