don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
