god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
