Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
