smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
