i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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