According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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