In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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