I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
