i just sent this text using only my big toe
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
