So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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