On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
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