Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
