i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
