The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
