I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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