the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
