I just threw up on my dentist
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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