So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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