I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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