I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
