He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
