I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
