awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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