I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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