he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
