Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
