I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
