matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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