the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
