WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
