I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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