just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
